just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
