cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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