I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
