Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
