I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
