If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
smell my finger.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
