I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Rumble strips road head = magical
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
