oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
