There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
