I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize