I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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