apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
