No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
