Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
