I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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