My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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