I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize