we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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