Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
