New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
