please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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