He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize