There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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