If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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