you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
