Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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