i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
