he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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