I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
