i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
