your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
