Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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