Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
