i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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