I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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