and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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