I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
