Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
