I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
