Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Let's paint friendship bongs
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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