the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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