This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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