my phone needs a breathalizer
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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