Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
My nipple is on Facebook.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
