So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
