I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
