don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just googled if crying burns calories
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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