News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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