I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
