Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
