The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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