My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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