your parents love me but you hate me
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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