Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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