I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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