Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
