Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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