I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize