I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
