just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
