Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
